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We are here as the family and the
friends from all areas of Jean Neighbour’s life; to thank God for the long
life of our Christian friend and, however inadequately, commemorate what she
was to each of us and to this church of St. Mary. There was a quiet family
Cremation this morning when we mourned her dying, and commended her to the
God she had worshipped all her life.
First some basic facts largely from a letter from Jean dated
20th
July 2004
and given to me to be opened after her death; I have slightly amplified
them:
Jean
was born Jean Ursula Fraser, the youngest of three sisters. The eldest,
Evelyn, died two or three years ago, and Biddie the middle sister we no
longer know about. Their father worked for the Civil Service in the Prison
Inspectorate, while their mother was a Private Secretary, and for a long
time in the service of lord Lovett at
Dunster
Castle. Jean was brought up in Southfields from the age of eight weeks until
she left school, by her grandparents, attending St. Barnabas Church
Southfields where she gained her high-church leanings.
She
attended “Mayfield”
Putney
County Grammar School, leaving at 18 to work at the Royal Bank of Coutts &
Co in the City.
Her
parents moved from Sutton to Salisbury in 1941 to escape the bombing, and
Jean went into digs here in Springfield Avenue.
She then came to the Youth Club and the then vicar asked one of the girls to
go and talk to Jean. That girl was Doris Cathie who became a life-long
friend of Jean. She and Doris, Phyllis Walker and others, fire watched every
Saturday night throughout the war, and saw the bombs fall in Church lane.
She sang with the St. Mary’s Choral Society long since defunct.
In
1950 she married Harold Neighbour who also worked for Coutts & Co, moving
to
Cranleigh Road
where they had two children, Angela who tragically died in 2001, and Robin
who lives in Oundle near
Peterborough
with his wife Jenny and their offspring, Matthew and Hannah.
In
1986 Harold and Jean moved into the newly built Old School Close as did two
old friends, Doris and Muriel Dobson, and were very happy there. Harold died
in 1990 and Jean died last Wednesday week at Kingston Hospital. Such are the
bare bones.
………But what of the lady
herself? Where does one begin!
While we all experienced Jean as a robust, somewhat forthright lady, with
high standards and high expectations, with great organisational skills and a
good eye for detail, a lady who exuded confidence and single-mindedness,
nevertheless Jean lived with a sense of rejection which cast a shadow over
her all her life. Why had her parents given her, aged eight weeks, to her
grand-parents to be looked after until she left school, when they were still
living not far away in Sutton? She brought this up a number of times in
conversations with me. It undoubtedly affected her own attitude to home and
family where she was possibly a little too protective of her own children as
she occasionally acknowledged; and she admitted that she needed the security
of her own home.
Harold and Jean were very different, but were a very united couple. They
were always supportive of their children, encouraging them and taking an
interest in all they did (especially in Robin when he played truant from his
secondary school!). Jean was on the PTA of Merton Primary, and then served
on the Board of Governors of Lady Margaret School in Putney where Angela
attended, putting into good use her organisational skills. Angela who
specialised in French went to France on a student exchange, and the French
girl with whom she exchanged, Anne Marie has remained a family friend, along
now with her husband and son. Jean’s interest in education continued when
she later became a Rutlish Foundation Trustee for Priory C/E Middle School,
a position she still held at the time of her death.
Here
at St. Mary’s Jean became a member of the PCC and in 1976 became the first
woman sidesman at St. Mary’s which caused shock waves in what was then (and
now?) a conservative establishment. But such was Jean’s efficiency and
conscientiousness that it wasn’t long before she was proposed as the first
woman Churchwarden, an honour for which she genuinely felt herself quite
unfitted. However she was persuaded to accept, and served for about 15
years. It was round about the time I went to a parish in Peckham which was
not the easiest. Jean thought I should stay no longer than five years. I
said I would move on when she retired as Churchwarden. But each time she
considered retiring, there would be an interregnum, and she honestly felt it
would be irresponsible to leave a new vicar with inexperienced wardens. So I
eventually moved parishes long before Jean retired!
There may have been those who felt that Jean was a trifle autocratic;
nevertheless she did ensure that everything, but everything, ran
efficiently! The more complex the Services became the more she rose to the
challenge. Liturgy was changing, the laity were becoming much more involved,
there was more and complex ceremonial. Jean applied her skills and
everything ran like clockwork. She had an eye for detail and enjoyed
planning things and wanted everything to go smoothly, keeping notes of
special occasions like Confirmations, and parade services, major festivals
etc., so that things wouldn’t be forgotten on a subsequent occasion. She
demanded the highest of standards from herself and, to everyone’s cost,
expected the same standards from others! The trouble was, infuriatingly,
that Jean could hardly ever be faulted.
She
enjoyed her working relationships with her fellow wardens, one of whom
referred to her as the “Field Marshall”. I understand that at her Christmas
card to that warden was signed “from the Field Marshall and Batman” (her
husband Harold).
After she retired from being Churchwarden her accumulated knowledge and
expertise were drawn upon by successive wardens and incumbents.
After Jack Barnett gave up being Verger Jean took over as unpaid Verger
until 2000, absolutely refusing to wear the Verger’s gown which Jack had
worn! (Maybe Jean felt that would have been acting a part, rather than being
herself). She offered to become sacristan from 1996 to 2000 when she formed
a sacristan ‘team’ which she regarded as a very happy working group. As
before, Jean brought her thoroughness to bear in these posts. She always had
her eye on the congregation for potential recruits for whatever job was
needed, and was partly (or largely) responsible for John Hillier offering
himself for ordination.
When
I was here as assistant curate in the early ‘70s, Jean was involved with the
Social Committee which organised the food for Patronal Dinners and Harvest
Suppers plus the special occasions like Confirmations, United Services and
Clergy chapter breakfasts, sorting out who would shop, who would cook,
serve, and wash up – nothing left to chance. We decided it would be nice for
the children to have posies for Mothering Sunday, and would travel to Hanley
near Salisbury where her father and step-mother lived and picked enough
Primroses for 100 or so posies (which would be forbidden now). Then her
little team would assemble at
8.00am
on the Sunday morning at
17
Cranleigh Road
to assemble the posies from the flowers which had been in water all night,
and Harold would bring them to Church in the car. In later years she
organised several annual outings for the elderly which finished up at
Hampton where her cousin the artist Eric Fraser lived with his wife Rene
(another formidable and energetic lady!). There a super tea which Rene had
prepared would be served before the party returned to Merton. The monthly
Military Whist Drive also had her wholehearted and active support.
Jean
was very supportive of successive curates, inviting them to meals and
engaging in long discussions, very often late into the night in my case;
what Canon Heaton Renshaw would have said I don’t know. When John Hackett,
the curate before me, was ill, Jean and Harold had him stay at Cranleigh
Road until he was better. They also cared for Phyllis Walker when she was
ill many years ago.
I
have had the privilege of being a close friend and confidant of Jean for the
past 36 years. When Jean initiated a series of self-catering holidays for
the family and friends I was privileged to be included. She planned about
thirteen of these holidays in all, in different parts of Britain. There was
always much fun and laughter and quite a lot of exercise, and they always
included the current dog, the last being Honey (a Labrador) who died at Old
School Close. I think it was on these holidays that I introduced a
particular card-game which took off, and which has continued over thirty odd
years to the present – Jean with a little group playing two or three times
a week in various flats in Old School Close.
Jean was instrumental in arranging for a crowd to come from St. Luke’s,
Peckham, where I was vicar, to attend the Advent Carol Service here at St.
Mary’s or the Parish Players Pantomime, each of which would then be
followed by a splendid tea, usually in the vicarage, but one year at Ann
Slade’s. This became one of the highlights of the year for the folk at St.
Luke’s.
Possibly some people found Jean a little intimidating: she was decisive,
knew what she wanted (and what she thought was best for St. Mary’s) and was
forceful enough usually to get it! I was well aware of Jean’s forceful
personality and would occasionally refer to her as “Mission Control” which
somehow I got away with.
The
ordination of women to the priesthood brought great unhappiness and
soul-searching; it was something of a crisis period in her life. She was
cross with herself that when the PCC accepted the idea of a woman Deacon,
she hadn’t taken on board the fact that they go on to be priests! She could
never go against her principles, no bending of the rules, and she firmly
believed (although she could never discover why she felt so strongly) that
women could not become priests. All the arguments, however
reasonable, could not overcome that block. However, she always maintained
good relationships with the women curates at Merton, and was very supportive
of them, while agonising over not being able to receive the sacrament from
them. She spent many hours on the ‘phone during those first years of women
priests and during her last year as warden while she struggled with these
difficulties.
Jean
was generous; not only with her time but also with her money and I know she
helped out a number of people over the years. When she and Harold celebrated
their Ruby wedding, the Wedding kneeler was made and presented by their
friends as a gift to St. Mary’s to celebrate their 40 years; and each of
those invited to the celebratory lunch, who had been told “no presents”,
themselves received an envelope containing £40. That was their way of saying
“thank you” for the friendships they had received. I have never come across
that before or since. Various gifts have been given by Jean to St. Mary’s in
memory of her daughter, and also to Priory School where Angela taught.
It
was typical of their straight dealing that when Jean and Harold were selling
their house to move to Old School Close, a much better offer came just prior
to the signing of the contract, but no way would Jean and Harold go back on
the original agreement and they accepted the lower price.
Although Robin and his family had moved to Peterborough, then Oundle, which
was a blow to Jean, she was in regular contact and visited two or three
times a year, and the family would come down for special occasions. When
Matthew her grandson showed both interest in, and a definite gift for,
acting Jean didn’t know what to think. She hated it if Harold did anything
on the stage for the Cubs and Scouts – she would disappear into the Hall
kitchen. I think she felt a confusion between acting and hypocrisy (which is
a form of play-acting). She couldn’t abide hypocrisy! But she was very proud
of the progress Matthew continued to make.
Latterly Jean felt her age, and how she hated it! “Don’t get old!” she would
say to me. She was also profoundly affected by the death of Angela and never
properly got over it. At two social occasions recently she nearly broke down
because Angela wasn’t there to enjoy them, and every Saturday was almost
unbearable for her because that was the day Angela always went shopping with
Jean. But she put on a brave face and carried on.
There is much more that could be said, and each of us here could write a
chapter on our experiences with Jean. We will have the opportunity to swap
stories in the hall after the Service. Jean was a small lady with large
gifts which she put at the service of others. After the children had left
home, her life centred on St. Mary’s, organising meals with friends and
playing cards. She had a strong uncomplicated faith which she tried to live
out as best she could, but she knew she wasn’t perfect. For me to have known
Jean has been a privilege and to have been her friend is something I shall
always treasure.
There is much more that could be said, and each of us here could write a
chapter on our experiences with Jean. We will have the opportunity to swap
stories in the hall after the Service. Let us all thank God for Jean and for
the way she has enriched our lives, if sometimes making them uncomfortable.
With Harold and Angela may she rest in peace and rise in glory. Amen.
Canon Graham Derriman
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